Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
