She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
