i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
