I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
