Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
