why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
