He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My penis needs a shock collar
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
