we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
