you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
