so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
