I accidentally had phone sex last night
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
