dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
