Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
