If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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