a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
