I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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