I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
