You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
