It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
