I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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