Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Randomize
