My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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