I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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