I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
