If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
