Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
