martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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