U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
