You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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