I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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