I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
