Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
