Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
