it wasn't lemon gatorade
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
