U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
