just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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