omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
