forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
