Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
