They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
