why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
