I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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