tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
