he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
