You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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