Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
FUCK WHALES
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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