I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize