Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
