i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
