just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
