i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
