I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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