She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
