Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
