She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
