he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
