There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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