I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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