I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
