dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
