I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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