OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
